epiphany.
i realised today, or perhaps more accurately, yesterday, that when you stop to think, a lot of things actually become clearer in your head. and sometimes those thoughts can really drive you rather mad. after all, ignorance is so often, mostly inaccurately, termed as bliss. surely there IS some merit to the old cliche.
i suddenly feel so old.
the first realisation came to me when i went to mel's house for our class gathering. we were just sitting around, having dinner, and then suddenly people started talking about jobs. who's got this job with this firm, who's got that job at this place, how much it pays.. the usual post A level stuff. and it abruptly struck me how... productive we suddenly seem to be. i mean, gosh. we can WORK. we earn MONEY. INCOME. we don't have to, although a large portion of us still do, live off our parents like bloodsucking leeches! that was a sobering thought, considering i had at no time in the recent past EVER considered not living off my parents like a bloodsucking leech. i suck blood, and i'm enjoying it. and yet, morally, legitimately, and on all counts of piety, i should go out and get a job. it only makes sense. after all, i can't just while away the next six months, right?
then why did it suddenly make me feel eight years too old?
the second realisation came to me slightly after the party, when we were sitting in mel's room, and indulging in some idle talk. jamie suddenly told me something about someone telling her about how a particular incident was the first time that someone had spoken to me in a long time since the other incident occurred. [if you're lost, forget it. you're probably not meant to understand it anyway.] and suddenly i realised how stupid everyone, me in particular, was being. when you're young and you make a stupid mistake and wrong choices at the wrong times, how can you go on with life allegedly hating someone for being the receipient of your stupidity? in all fairness, i didn't actually hate the person, or even hold mild resentment, i have to admit. it was just more of.. a feeling of finality. like a friendship couldn't go on. and today i realised how infantile that actually is. so, to whoever you are, if you know i'm talking about you.. :D i suspect you do. i'm sorry for having wasted your time, and i forgive you [even though that sounds rather high-handed, i DO like to think of myself as the queen of the universe] for wasting mine.. after all, you DID make up for it by inadvertently leading me to the love of my life. :D and to draw all things to a close, i would love above all else to be friends again... [because i evidently have so little of those to begin with..] forgive me?
now, that wasn't too hard, was it?
the third realisation came later on, when jamie and i were in the taxi, and i dropped her off at her home. she said, "i'll see you at alumni." and suddenly i realised. gone were the days when i could just pop into NL1 and expect jamie to be sitting there in her old place to listen to me complain about my youthful melodramatic life, and expect gina, because she is so so sooo far away, to open her home to me to drop by and share crying sessions. no more could i expect nartz to be there in school to stay back for art with me, or to have recess on thursdays, or to be able to see nest whenever i wanted to because he was always in the same building. i couldn't just call floppy during recess and expect an open space at his table in the canteen for me whenever i felt lonely. and as all these maudlin sentiment churned through my head, i suddenly felt.. really really sad. school's out. for good. i would never again be obligated to step back into the hallowed halls of 25 dover close east [although i probably would go back pretty often]. and, horror of horrors, i realised something extremely positively scary.
i'm going to miss school.
who would've thought?
i suddenly feel so old.
the first realisation came to me when i went to mel's house for our class gathering. we were just sitting around, having dinner, and then suddenly people started talking about jobs. who's got this job with this firm, who's got that job at this place, how much it pays.. the usual post A level stuff. and it abruptly struck me how... productive we suddenly seem to be. i mean, gosh. we can WORK. we earn MONEY. INCOME. we don't have to, although a large portion of us still do, live off our parents like bloodsucking leeches! that was a sobering thought, considering i had at no time in the recent past EVER considered not living off my parents like a bloodsucking leech. i suck blood, and i'm enjoying it. and yet, morally, legitimately, and on all counts of piety, i should go out and get a job. it only makes sense. after all, i can't just while away the next six months, right?
then why did it suddenly make me feel eight years too old?
the second realisation came to me slightly after the party, when we were sitting in mel's room, and indulging in some idle talk. jamie suddenly told me something about someone telling her about how a particular incident was the first time that someone had spoken to me in a long time since the other incident occurred. [if you're lost, forget it. you're probably not meant to understand it anyway.] and suddenly i realised how stupid everyone, me in particular, was being. when you're young and you make a stupid mistake and wrong choices at the wrong times, how can you go on with life allegedly hating someone for being the receipient of your stupidity? in all fairness, i didn't actually hate the person, or even hold mild resentment, i have to admit. it was just more of.. a feeling of finality. like a friendship couldn't go on. and today i realised how infantile that actually is. so, to whoever you are, if you know i'm talking about you.. :D i suspect you do. i'm sorry for having wasted your time, and i forgive you [even though that sounds rather high-handed, i DO like to think of myself as the queen of the universe] for wasting mine.. after all, you DID make up for it by inadvertently leading me to the love of my life. :D and to draw all things to a close, i would love above all else to be friends again... [because i evidently have so little of those to begin with..] forgive me?
now, that wasn't too hard, was it?
the third realisation came later on, when jamie and i were in the taxi, and i dropped her off at her home. she said, "i'll see you at alumni." and suddenly i realised. gone were the days when i could just pop into NL1 and expect jamie to be sitting there in her old place to listen to me complain about my youthful melodramatic life, and expect gina, because she is so so sooo far away, to open her home to me to drop by and share crying sessions. no more could i expect nartz to be there in school to stay back for art with me, or to have recess on thursdays, or to be able to see nest whenever i wanted to because he was always in the same building. i couldn't just call floppy during recess and expect an open space at his table in the canteen for me whenever i felt lonely. and as all these maudlin sentiment churned through my head, i suddenly felt.. really really sad. school's out. for good. i would never again be obligated to step back into the hallowed halls of 25 dover close east [although i probably would go back pretty often]. and, horror of horrors, i realised something extremely positively scary.
i'm going to miss school.
who would've thought?
posted by jo at 00:16
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