gone.

gone, going.
gone, everything.
gone, give a damn.
gone be the birds when they don't wanna sing.
gone people, all awkward with all their things.
gone.

sometimes it's really hard to see what He has in store. now's one of those times- when the utter elusiveness of His plan drives you absolutely nuts. not that i did very badly; i just didn't do as well as i hoped. no biggie. that's not the question. is it me not getting into law? no, not really. it's this realisation that i still ultimately don't know what to do with my life.

that's what stings.

and stinks.

it makes me realise how indecisive a person i am; how easily swayed by life, by my parents, by societal expectations, by everything that comes along and makes me doubt the integrity of what i believe in; what i'm living for and striving for.

this has to end.

someday i'll look back on my life and realise i kind of.. wandered through things. stumbled. got pushes in various directions by several overzealous, albeit loving individuals. and eventually ended up where i was. not by my own volition, NO. "you can't really expect jo to know what she's doing. she doesn't know what she wants. she never does." i wish i could say, "that's not fair! it's not true!" but sadly, it is. and sadly, i still don't know. whether or not my own opinion would make a difference. this frigging insecurity that underlies everything i do. it grates. makes me ill. makes me feel like saying, "hey you stupid little girl, don't you realise you have a MIND somewhere in there? that you're secretly protesting to all the decisions everyone makes about you in front of you FOR you?" but i know that stupid little girl would just look up at me with widened eyes, her hands in her pockets and tears streaming down her cheek. and i know what that little girl would say.

"i don't know."

i hate myself sometimes.