homesickness.

i think sometimes when you get a little older in life, shaped by experiences, by taking stock of what you've achieved, you learn things that are secondary to what you set out to learn in the first place.

you learn that homesickness doesn't necessarily manifest itself in some sort of overwhelming outpour of nostalgic emotion. it's occasionally, and for me, more frequently, this visceral, physical pull towards the idea of return-- and the hormonal, emotional and mental imbalances that that creates.

it's a tug-o-war, really, the idea of balancing two lives; the predominance of one would undeniably place the other in the shadow.. and sometimes you realise that it IS that delicate balance that you have to achieve. the knowing when to let go of one and to go to the other; the careful arrangement of both your lives around a disciplined schedule and NOT detracting from that, in order to achieve the optimum level of enjoyment of both arenas.

using clinical language, i've learnt from james joyce, is a nice way of detaching yourself from your emotions so as to correctly evaluate the situation.

hmm. not working.

still miserable.

want to go home.