epiphany.

i realised today, or perhaps more accurately, yesterday, that when you stop to think, a lot of things actually become clearer in your head. and sometimes those thoughts can really drive you rather mad. after all, ignorance is so often, mostly inaccurately, termed as bliss. surely there IS some merit to the old cliche.

i suddenly feel so old.

the first realisation came to me when i went to mel's house for our class gathering. we were just sitting around, having dinner, and then suddenly people started talking about jobs. who's got this job with this firm, who's got that job at this place, how much it pays.. the usual post A level stuff. and it abruptly struck me how... productive we suddenly seem to be. i mean, gosh. we can WORK. we earn MONEY. INCOME. we don't have to, although a large portion of us still do, live off our parents like bloodsucking leeches! that was a sobering thought, considering i had at no time in the recent past EVER considered not living off my parents like a bloodsucking leech. i suck blood, and i'm enjoying it. and yet, morally, legitimately, and on all counts of piety, i should go out and get a job. it only makes sense. after all, i can't just while away the next six months, right?

then why did it suddenly make me feel eight years too old?

the second realisation came to me slightly after the party, when we were sitting in mel's room, and indulging in some idle talk. jamie suddenly told me something about someone telling her about how a particular incident was the first time that someone had spoken to me in a long time since the other incident occurred. [if you're lost, forget it. you're probably not meant to understand it anyway.] and suddenly i realised how stupid everyone, me in particular, was being. when you're young and you make a stupid mistake and wrong choices at the wrong times, how can you go on with life allegedly hating someone for being the receipient of your stupidity? in all fairness, i didn't actually hate the person, or even hold mild resentment, i have to admit. it was just more of.. a feeling of finality. like a friendship couldn't go on. and today i realised how infantile that actually is. so, to whoever you are, if you know i'm talking about you.. :D i suspect you do. i'm sorry for having wasted your time, and i forgive you [even though that sounds rather high-handed, i DO like to think of myself as the queen of the universe] for wasting mine.. after all, you DID make up for it by inadvertently leading me to the love of my life. :D and to draw all things to a close, i would love above all else to be friends again... [because i evidently have so little of those to begin with..] forgive me?

now, that wasn't too hard, was it?

the third realisation came later on, when jamie and i were in the taxi, and i dropped her off at her home. she said, "i'll see you at alumni." and suddenly i realised. gone were the days when i could just pop into NL1 and expect jamie to be sitting there in her old place to listen to me complain about my youthful melodramatic life, and expect gina, because she is so so sooo far away, to open her home to me to drop by and share crying sessions. no more could i expect nartz to be there in school to stay back for art with me, or to have recess on thursdays, or to be able to see nest whenever i wanted to because he was always in the same building. i couldn't just call floppy during recess and expect an open space at his table in the canteen for me whenever i felt lonely. and as all these maudlin sentiment churned through my head, i suddenly felt.. really really sad. school's out. for good. i would never again be obligated to step back into the hallowed halls of 25 dover close east [although i probably would go back pretty often]. and, horror of horrors, i realised something extremely positively scary.

i'm going to miss school.

who would've thought?

change of site. [obviously]

one day, i'm going to learn how to use my damned computer correctly.

i have been evicted from geocities, sadly, due to something called a "data transfer limit" that i apparently exceeded.. how i exceeded it, and how i can UNEXCEED it, i fear, is undivulged to me by the server, sadly. thus, here i find myself trying the tried-and-true blogspot, which i have yet to learn how to operate.. so if my entry today fails to appear, i will officially retire my blog and go on to living a perfectly satisfied life without the interference of bothersome technology.

and people wonder why my ipod malfunctioned only after a month.

anywayyyyyy.. after keeping away from my blog for about.. what? three months? [no love lost there.] i have decided to stage a COMEBACK!!! why? because, unfortunately, or perhaps i should say fortunately, there is absolutely nothing to do after A levels.. and so, to keep my mind at least reasonably active for the next six months, i decided: "what better way to pass the time than to lament the circumstances of my horrible, worriless adolescent existence!" and true enough, here i am.

well, today, i found myself baking a cheesecake for the second time in my life! all by myself, too. of course, i had to holler for help with the food processor when oreo chunks started flying out at my unarmored face, but other than that, i am proud to declare that i baked it ALL BY MYSELF. preparation work, included! an achievement, indeed, considering my culinary efforts in the kitchen are more usually suited to a wok and an open flame. and my daddy's gonna cook dinner! [a damned fine cook he is, too.] so my foodlust today is, or is going to be, officially satiated.

so. other than food, what is there to speak of in the life of a post-A-level teenager?

of course, there's the carolling season.. :D i can't really think of a better time of year than christmas, and not for the conventional reasons. [after all, i stopped receiving gifts from relatives when i was what? twelve?] carolling this year was different, in a way, especially not being with my batch.. in fact, only five or six of us came for the carolling season, and it was pretty sad, knowing that we'll probably never get a chance to sing together, all of us, again. but carolling was a markedly special experience this year, although in a different way from last year.. well, first there was a fact that i was officially coming back as an alumni, which honestly feels VERY different from being in the college.. i'll never forget the first time i really FELT like i was part of the alumni this season. it was the first time at paragon, after soundcheck, when i was still slightly reeling from the shock of singing in a place where, honestly, barely anyone listened to you, and the noise, while not exactly a din, was comparable to well, the acjc hall after assembly has ended. yeevon turned to me and said, something like, "you can't be scared of the place, because the college choir has never sung in a place like this, and they're likely to be scared. you have to sing out and project." then as i nodded, she said, "welcome to the alumni." it was positively the most scary, and yet amazingly comforting thing to hear at that point. and when we sung, gave, all throughout the rest of the season, i felt, i was part of the alumni. active or not, and i hope i will be, i was part of that legacy that had been left down to us for so many years past. i was, at that point, part of the group that we used to gawk at when we were in the college choir just a year ago, amazed at the sound they produced, awed by the beauty of the music and the life we witnessed in their faces. and knowing that the reason i was there, the reason why all the alumni were there, was because of the shared pride and love instilled by the choir, the legacy of music-making and sharing of so many years. and we were all there, God blessed, voluntarily, without obligation or duress, because we wanted to be. and that shared camaraderie, that feeling of knowing, intrinsically, the purpose that you were there with all these people, was exhilarating.

i can't think of a better way to spend christmas, can you?

i love the acjc choir.

and so, a day after christmas, sitting here in my extremely brightly lit room and tapping away at my stupid, malfunctioning computer, i am still living and reliving the twenty third and twenty fourth of december.. which reminds me, i have to teach shannon how to draw tomorrow. i'm not quite certain how i'm going to go about it, only that he wants to learn how to draw figures, primarily. which i suck at. i should tell him to go to david, 'twould be a much more effective and fruitful session, i'll wager.

speaking of which, if anyone would like to offer to alter the design of my blog for me, [technology idiot that i am, i have yet to learn how to use html], i would be very appreciative!

i have to go check on my cake now.. have a blessed post-christmas and new year until i next see you! ciao.