depression.

premature pre-departure depression is setting in rather rapidly these few days.

ever since bert left i've just gotten this very sinking feeling in my intestinal region. i really don't want to leave. not so much that i don't want to be at york, just that.. i don't want to leave here. i know that once i go there that everything will become routine and i'll be happy, or at the very least, content, and all these fears and insecurities would fade to naught, but right now, i'm just drowning in my own friggin misery.

talking to ernest about it often makes me feel like crying. more often than not, i give in to that feeling, and then the poor guy has to do his duty and console me. poor thing. i'm going to miss him so bloody much. and to be completely brutally honest, i get horrendously jealous when i hear him making plans that will occur after i leave, or hear him talk about the universities he's planning to go to and what he wants to do. which is so unfair. it's just that in some completely selfish, self-centred, self-important way i always wish that his life would stop whenever i'm not by his side, that when i return he'll be the completely same individual, in the completely same world, doing the completely same things. which is completely insane. because it won't happen. and i shouldn't want it to happen. but i do. because i love the now him so much. so i do. and so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.

and then there's all my friends. especially nartz and ju and huis. i just wonder if i could have done more. actually, there's no wonderment involved in that. i could have done more. i SHOULD have done more. we should have been so much closer, shared so much more, known so instinctively that we'll always be there for each other. but now everything's changing, and school is starting, and i'm leaving, and i miss them so sorely, and i wish i could see them and tell them every single insecurity that's pulling me under, to listen to their insecurities and fears. but i've been procrastinating, and i've been assuming, and i've been indulging in the companionship of so many others that i've forgotten the people who've always meant most to me. so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.

then i think about my family. my sister, who can't even go a month without me sleeping in the bed next to her. her with all her fears of being alone, her fears of the dark, her fears of the unknown, her fears of people who won't accept her for the annoying and adorable brat that she is; fears i've been through. fears i understand. fears i can help her through if only i were to stay here. then there's joash, who is so much more than he seems. who can be so much more than he is; who is afraid to show the world how bloody great he is. i want to see him grow up. i want to see him take a stand and be the person he's cut out to be. and there's mommy and daddy, who've never supported this, but who've been there nonetheless, who've nagged me into action, to applying for schools, to filling in my forms and applying for visas. daddy, who has been so worried and so insistent, and who now sees that he was right all along, and that i was wrong. i should have known. but i was stubborn, and i was so insistent on doing what i loved that i forgot that i'd be giving up being there for the PEOPLE that i loved. so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.

josh called me today, just to talk to me, because he knew i was feeling rough. he told me that he had been through it, that after a while, everything becomes routine and it becomes a part of life. that i'll meet new people and see many new things. he talked to me about australia, and about being part of a new place and a new life. about growing up. about being an adult. and although it didn't really quite make me feel better, it was just sweet how hard he tried, and how genuine he seemed. can't ask for a better older brother. life has changed him. maybe it'll change me too.

just to clarify, i'm not regretting going. or at least, i'm not regretting the decision to go. i'm just regretting having to leave. there's just so much. so, so much.

i need to learn to let go.

bloody depressed.

Lord, be with me.

where i've been the past month.

you know, the truth is, even I can't remember where i've been the past month. a month away from home. that is truly phenomenally scary. i almost didn't recognise my bolster. oh my poor, darling kevin.

so, after two weeks of utter ecstacy, beautiful music and amazing friendships formed, and two weeks of.. well, eating things like "mr panino" and trudging halfway across europe, what have i learnt? isn't that always the key question people ask? what have i learnt?

well, for one, i am now acutely aware of the horrors of conversion rates. for another, i am now an expert [or at least somewhat] on all kinds of european transport systems. although, you know, if you have any questions, qh will be more well-informed. heh heh. -sheepish grin- well, anyway, yes! the tube, the paris metro, the ROME metro, florence's LACK of the metro, as well as vienna's u-bahn. been there, done that, eh?

also, of course, the ART in europe is absolutely stunning. the louvre was truly incredible, although IMHO, the mona lisa is truly highly overrated. i still wish we had gone to the musee d'orsay on our last day in paris. oh well. i personally adored the accademia in florence, although the queue was VERY LONG. michelangelo's david was a lot larger than i imagined it to be, and i honestly wonder how he got the proportions right. if i were only half as talented. but the medici music display was really interesting. never seen an oval spinet in my life. fancy that!

churches in europe are truly inspiring. never seen one? then find sometime, head down to europe, and pop into almost any church lining the road and let your jaw drop. intricate interiors and somewhat grandiose exteriors are practically regulation in european churches. apparently every city was trying their best to outdo each other with the best looking and most architecturally challenging church. st. peters' basilica [in the vatican city] was astounding, in size, stature, as well as plain beauty. the duomo in florence was also remarkably beautiful, with an amazing exterior cloaked almost completely in three different types of marble. imagine the expense. st stephen's in vienna was in a class of its own, however, with the elaborate gothic architecture it boasted. i was honestly dumbfounded. you've never seen anything quite like it, i promise.

now that i've sufficiently displayed my geek-ish-ness and tendency to sound like a travel guide from frommers, i will move on to giving advice, as i so blatantly love to do. first, do NOT go to europe in the summer. i know that would have shocked you a bit, so to qualify that statement, i shall EXPLAIN. firstly, europe is in the same hemisphere as northern america, yes? so what you tend to get while you're backpacking through europe in the summer are all these americans/canadians on summer break who get drunk and party in train carriages. which perhaps won't be too disturbing if not for the fact that you've just spent almost forty-eight hours travelling and you need SLEEP wherever you can get it. secondly, i'm not sure if this is a coincidence, but almost everything worth seeing is going through some kind of restoration efforts. commendable, definitely, but also very disappointing, as you can't really experience the full grandeur of churches, buildings and palaces.

i seem to have strayed somewhat from the topic, so i shall return to it. what have i learnt on this trip? well, the truth is that i learnt a lot about me. i learnt that, well, however independent i may claim, or wish, to be, i'm still somewhat of a homebody. i missed my parents sorely, and after two weeks away from home, essentially i was just extremely homesick. i also learnt that after i've been travelling for a while, i tend to experience flashes of irritation at very minor things, and as such i have concluded that i am not perhaps the best travelling companion except to perhaps someone who tolerates my every flaw. [my beautiful ernest :)] i've also learnt that i am really, very often, afraid to put myself outside of my comfort zone. after experiencing the choir tour, and all the indescribable aspects of it that were.. well, indescribable, i was in some sense dreading backpacking. it was just too.. sudden, like a fall from grace. from organisation and discipline and being surrounded by so many who loved you and who had the same common focus to well, four of us, all with different goals for the next two weeks. and i essentially ruined my paris experience being somewhat mopy and homesick. but after a while you get used to it, and truly, it can get pretty fun. especially italy. i love italy. :)

just as a little side-note: i DID step rather far beyond my comfort zone on this trip. for the first time in what.. eight or nine years, i was forced to go on a roller coaster. i REALLY HATE roller coasters. fear of heights and all that jazz. but i was practically PHYSICALLY COMPELLED to go on not one, but THREE roller coasters, two of which had loops, and it turned out i actually had fun. after experiencing several severe palpitations and near-death experiences, of course. so yes. comfort zone breached. yay for me.

even though i am certain i have sufficiently bored you to tears, i am still going to add in this one last paragraph, just to describe LES MISERABLES. what can i say? my favourite musical of all time never EVER fails me. i've watched it quite a few times before, and each time i watch it, i just understand it so much more, and.. well. what can i say, i love it! the current jean valjean is truly fantastic. amazing. and fantine was really impressive! usually fantine's so much of a secondary character, but in this cast she really steals the show. this is not to say that the rest of the cast paled in comparison, FAR FROM IT. even the ensemble was great. great vocals, great musicians, great costumes, great staging. what can i say? it's a great production. twenty-one years and running. still my favourite musical BY FAR. genius.

do you hear the people sing?
singing the song of angry men;
it is the music of a people who will not be slaves again!
when the beating of your heart
echoes the beating of the drums,
there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!

ciao!