depression.
premature pre-departure depression is setting in rather rapidly these few days.
ever since bert left i've just gotten this very sinking feeling in my intestinal region. i really don't want to leave. not so much that i don't want to be at york, just that.. i don't want to leave here. i know that once i go there that everything will become routine and i'll be happy, or at the very least, content, and all these fears and insecurities would fade to naught, but right now, i'm just drowning in my own friggin misery.
talking to ernest about it often makes me feel like crying. more often than not, i give in to that feeling, and then the poor guy has to do his duty and console me. poor thing. i'm going to miss him so bloody much. and to be completely brutally honest, i get horrendously jealous when i hear him making plans that will occur after i leave, or hear him talk about the universities he's planning to go to and what he wants to do. which is so unfair. it's just that in some completely selfish, self-centred, self-important way i always wish that his life would stop whenever i'm not by his side, that when i return he'll be the completely same individual, in the completely same world, doing the completely same things. which is completely insane. because it won't happen. and i shouldn't want it to happen. but i do. because i love the now him so much. so i do. and so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.
and then there's all my friends. especially nartz and ju and huis. i just wonder if i could have done more. actually, there's no wonderment involved in that. i could have done more. i SHOULD have done more. we should have been so much closer, shared so much more, known so instinctively that we'll always be there for each other. but now everything's changing, and school is starting, and i'm leaving, and i miss them so sorely, and i wish i could see them and tell them every single insecurity that's pulling me under, to listen to their insecurities and fears. but i've been procrastinating, and i've been assuming, and i've been indulging in the companionship of so many others that i've forgotten the people who've always meant most to me. so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.
then i think about my family. my sister, who can't even go a month without me sleeping in the bed next to her. her with all her fears of being alone, her fears of the dark, her fears of the unknown, her fears of people who won't accept her for the annoying and adorable brat that she is; fears i've been through. fears i understand. fears i can help her through if only i were to stay here. then there's joash, who is so much more than he seems. who can be so much more than he is; who is afraid to show the world how bloody great he is. i want to see him grow up. i want to see him take a stand and be the person he's cut out to be. and there's mommy and daddy, who've never supported this, but who've been there nonetheless, who've nagged me into action, to applying for schools, to filling in my forms and applying for visas. daddy, who has been so worried and so insistent, and who now sees that he was right all along, and that i was wrong. i should have known. but i was stubborn, and i was so insistent on doing what i loved that i forgot that i'd be giving up being there for the PEOPLE that i loved. so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.
josh called me today, just to talk to me, because he knew i was feeling rough. he told me that he had been through it, that after a while, everything becomes routine and it becomes a part of life. that i'll meet new people and see many new things. he talked to me about australia, and about being part of a new place and a new life. about growing up. about being an adult. and although it didn't really quite make me feel better, it was just sweet how hard he tried, and how genuine he seemed. can't ask for a better older brother. life has changed him. maybe it'll change me too.
just to clarify, i'm not regretting going. or at least, i'm not regretting the decision to go. i'm just regretting having to leave. there's just so much. so, so much.
i need to learn to let go.
bloody depressed.
Lord, be with me.
ever since bert left i've just gotten this very sinking feeling in my intestinal region. i really don't want to leave. not so much that i don't want to be at york, just that.. i don't want to leave here. i know that once i go there that everything will become routine and i'll be happy, or at the very least, content, and all these fears and insecurities would fade to naught, but right now, i'm just drowning in my own friggin misery.
talking to ernest about it often makes me feel like crying. more often than not, i give in to that feeling, and then the poor guy has to do his duty and console me. poor thing. i'm going to miss him so bloody much. and to be completely brutally honest, i get horrendously jealous when i hear him making plans that will occur after i leave, or hear him talk about the universities he's planning to go to and what he wants to do. which is so unfair. it's just that in some completely selfish, self-centred, self-important way i always wish that his life would stop whenever i'm not by his side, that when i return he'll be the completely same individual, in the completely same world, doing the completely same things. which is completely insane. because it won't happen. and i shouldn't want it to happen. but i do. because i love the now him so much. so i do. and so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.
and then there's all my friends. especially nartz and ju and huis. i just wonder if i could have done more. actually, there's no wonderment involved in that. i could have done more. i SHOULD have done more. we should have been so much closer, shared so much more, known so instinctively that we'll always be there for each other. but now everything's changing, and school is starting, and i'm leaving, and i miss them so sorely, and i wish i could see them and tell them every single insecurity that's pulling me under, to listen to their insecurities and fears. but i've been procrastinating, and i've been assuming, and i've been indulging in the companionship of so many others that i've forgotten the people who've always meant most to me. so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.
then i think about my family. my sister, who can't even go a month without me sleeping in the bed next to her. her with all her fears of being alone, her fears of the dark, her fears of the unknown, her fears of people who won't accept her for the annoying and adorable brat that she is; fears i've been through. fears i understand. fears i can help her through if only i were to stay here. then there's joash, who is so much more than he seems. who can be so much more than he is; who is afraid to show the world how bloody great he is. i want to see him grow up. i want to see him take a stand and be the person he's cut out to be. and there's mommy and daddy, who've never supported this, but who've been there nonetheless, who've nagged me into action, to applying for schools, to filling in my forms and applying for visas. daddy, who has been so worried and so insistent, and who now sees that he was right all along, and that i was wrong. i should have known. but i was stubborn, and i was so insistent on doing what i loved that i forgot that i'd be giving up being there for the PEOPLE that i loved. so i'm selfish, and heinous, and evil, and inconsiderate, and unloving. and the knowledge of that makes me feel even more depressed.
josh called me today, just to talk to me, because he knew i was feeling rough. he told me that he had been through it, that after a while, everything becomes routine and it becomes a part of life. that i'll meet new people and see many new things. he talked to me about australia, and about being part of a new place and a new life. about growing up. about being an adult. and although it didn't really quite make me feel better, it was just sweet how hard he tried, and how genuine he seemed. can't ask for a better older brother. life has changed him. maybe it'll change me too.
just to clarify, i'm not regretting going. or at least, i'm not regretting the decision to go. i'm just regretting having to leave. there's just so much. so, so much.
i need to learn to let go.
bloody depressed.
Lord, be with me.
posted by jo at 23:59
1 Comments:
(can't do anything for you, but - )
*hugs*
- limmy.
Post a Comment
<< Home