this is the only thing that's holding me up right now.

and i am determined that it shall be my guiding light.

i will not back down. i will not give in. i will not allow myself to blame, or to be angry, or to be upset. i will sympathise. and i will care. and i will love. even if everything caves in around me, and even if i am broken in spirit and have no outlet. because i was first loved. i will leave it in Your hands. and You will make it right. i will trust. i will pray. i will give and keep giving, and not expect anything back, at least for the moment. i will wake up everyday and tell myself to keep giving-- to keep giving and forgiving, and to be there, no matter what.

The Prayer of St. Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
where there is hatred, let me sow love.
where there is injury, your pardon know.
where there is doubt, let there be faith.
where there is despair, let me bring hope.
where there is darkness, let there be light.
where there is sadness, let there be joy.

oh, divine master--
grant that i may not seek to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
for it is in giving that we receive,
and it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
for it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
amen.

so even as i go through this, i will banish all thoughts of feeling betrayed, all thoughts of feeling forsaken. because.. i have You, don't i? and You are enough. You are more than enough. You will help me through this, You will be my friend when no one else will. You are ever there, and You are love, and You are all that i need. i pray that this prayer will be the cornerstone of my every action, and that whenever worry enters my mind, i will be reminded that i have given it up to You. You will touch hearts. You will change lives. all i can do is to do my best, and to keep trying, and to keep being there, and to keep praying. and You will make the difference. i will not be angry, or disappointed, or depressed, and i will be a light for You. help me to understand. help me to sympathise. help me to put everything else before my own unnecessary feelings of hurt. help me to be selfless. help me to remember that there are people going through much worse. help me to remember to love. help me to be a better person in You. help me to be tenacious. help me to never give up, even if i am mocked and turned away like so much rubbish. help me to be the person i know i can be, the person who never stops loving and never stops giving, because You loved her and gave to her, and never wanted anything back.

i will be strong in You.

and now that i've taken this to You in prayer, help me to not worry. because i have left it in Your hands.

i will have faith.

and i will keep loving, no matter how much it takes out of me. no matter how much i hurt.

i will not back down, i will not give in.

i will love.

okay, FINE, fine.

well, if all my beautiful ardent fans, made mostly out of my sister and the lone cousin who reads my blog, want an update, here's an update.

there is absolutely NOTHING going on in my life at the moment. :P i'm studying for my finals, which is a pain, really. and unless you want me to go on and on about orderly heterogeneity or koinesation or rapidly expanding lexical innovations, i suggest i really shouldn't be nagged to blog for this next couple of weeks. :P

as far as life goes, life is good. liverpool just lost to ac milan in the champions league final, which was amazing to watch in a pub full of screaming liverpool fans. HAHA! and considering liverpool beat arsenal out of third place in the premiership because of a measly two goal points, i really am NOT inclined to be charitable about it. :) but they did put up a valiant effort, nonetheless, and it was a pretty good game aside from inzaghi's horrible fluke of a goal in the second half. DEFENCE, for goodness sakes'. bah.

anyway-- God is good all the time. :) and life goes on. and i'm happy. so again:

ciao!