insanity and indecision.

anyone who knows me well would know that the past few days haven't exactly been "oh jolly good fun!" for me. why? perhaps it's due to the fact that my indecision has never been so clearly illustrated to me as it has been in the aforementioned past few days. and of course, it is always strangely awakening, and extremely uncomfortable, not to mention immensely embarrassing, to realise your own shortcomings without people having to tell you. just shows how OBVIOUS your shortcomings are.

i think my life [well, at least my life in jc] has been a constant struggle between natural romanticism, borne of an excessive influx of glorified emotion through romance novels and cheesy movies since my early adolescence, and rationality, pounded into my head by my amazingly effective teachers since secondary school. of course, being the typical arts student and FEMALE, i tend to make decisions using the former rather than the latter.

this time is no different.

of course, a certain amount of rationality does go into making the decision. i made pros and cons lists and all that jazz; but in the end i went with the little hypothalamic function that generates emotion [because face it, the heart is just a huge muscle] and decided to do something which i really think i would love.

why am i even saying this? it makes for a boring entry and the likelihood of the situation is that none of you would care any less.

anyway, yes. naturally, i face parental discontentment and disappointment daily due to this daring deed of deliberate daftness. [never underestimate the power of aliteration] i get strange looks; some pitying, some snide, some laced with such utter hatred and contempt that you cannot believe these people actually love you. but they do, and i know. :) i know they care, which is why i am all the more confused.

but the decision has been made, and as someone [who is probably infinitely older and wiser than me] once told me, "if you've made your decision, whatever it is, just bite the bullet and press on." and so i will. bite the bullet, that is. figuratively, of course. literally biting ammunition, live or otherwise, would do nothing to help my cause in the least.

i am rambling because it is one thirty-right and i am so damned sleepy i could fall asleep in my chair.

any... way... what i was trying to say, and plainly, failing to say, was that i have decided to go.

people who are going, "huh? go where?" probably don't know me or anything about me so you're just gonna have to live with the suspense. AH HAH! :P

well, that being said, let's move on to less complicated and much less important aspects of my day, yes? i cooked today! [and yes, that is rare enough an occurrence to deserve some sort of commemoration] i cooked today, and though i never profess to be THE IRON CHEF like some people :P, i can cook. and i am relatively proficient at it, too. i cooked for gina, jamie and geoff, and we had such a HUGEEEEEE feast that none of us could finish anything. we never really announced who the winner of our cook-off was, but i personally loved everything. :P yes, even the soup. my point was, [actually i never really have a point, i just talk for the sake of talking and garnering attention, but you already know that], i can cook. which means that i won't starve over there. now all i have to learn to do is knit and darn stockings and i'll be all ready for finishing school and my debut!

i need to go back to my books. i think i'm becoming slightly unhinged.